1. When you Speak to Someone use their Name
Let’s get real for a second—we’re all huge narcissists and we all love the sound of hearing our own name. This is why it’s good to learn peoples names and make use of them in daily conversation. Always use an individual’s first name in a conversation. I read this years ago and its a fundamental principle in dealing with people from Dale Carnegie’s famous book How to Win Friends and Influence People. This tried-and-true technique is sure to increase your fan base and your admiration!
2. Smile and Mean It!
Although we live in a digital age that increasingly substitutes technology for human interaction, we are still at our core very social creatures. There is nothing like human touch and interaction between two people. As humans we use social interaction as a tool for feedback, and we make conscious and subconscious choices based on how others engage with and respond to us. This is all for a good reason!
When someone offers a huge grin brimming with genuine authenticity, happiness rubs off on the person receiving the smile. There have been many studies that show how mood, whether positive or negative, can spread between individuals. If your positive attitude brightens someone else’s day, that person will love and remember you for it.
3. Listen with your Ears, Understand with your Heart
Most people know that people will like you more if you choose to listen to them versus talking at, or to them. This starts with ignoring your phone calls, texts, and social media while out to dinner, but this goes a lot further than that. You can show you’re listening to someone through your body language (positioning your body to face someone and mirroring his or her stance), eye contact (giving plenty of it), and verbal confirmation, or in other words affirming verbally that you understand what someone is saying, and that you are listening. Listening goes beyond the ears and mind as well. If you are listening intently, your response should come from a place of understanding, or, from the heart.
4. Use Eye Contact
Eye contact is one of the simplest ways to show someone you’re paying attention to them. When you’re watching TV, you look directly at it, right? So when you’re talking to someone, shouldn’t you do the same thing? Of course! Ensure that when you speak to someone that you look at them directly, and avoid allowing your eyes to wonder.
5. Ask Great Questions
People already have a tendency to talk and be long-winded. When you are speaking with someone and you allow them to do most of the talking, it makes them feel comfortable. It also shows that you are more interested in them, than you are interested in yourself. The tactic of asking questions–about their lives, things that interest them, their passions–is a guaranteed way of getting them to love you. People are very egocentric–in other words, they love to talk about themselves–so of course, putting them first in a conversation makes sense. If you ask questions and get people to talk about themselves, they will feel a closer connection to you than if you did all of the talking. Asking questions also shows that you appreciate what’s important to the person speaking. Indulge in another persons ego, and sub-consciously they will always remember you.
6. Ask a Friend for Their Advice
Asking someone for advice is, to my surprise, a great strategy for getting people to like you. I must say, when I researched this one I had to think twice about it. Asking for advice shows that you value the other individual’s opinion and demonstrates a considerable amount of respect for the other person. Everyone, and I mean everyone, likes to feel needed and important. Make no mistake about it. When you make someone feel better about himself or herself, that person will most certainly end up liking you for it and quite possibly reciprocating the favor.
7. You Can Look but you Better Touch
This one is up for debate, and I hesitate to even mention it because obviously it should be done in a certain manner. I think this applies mostly in intimate situations such as dates, or perhaps, a conversation between you and your significant other. I do notice that women tend to do this to men a lot–those that they are really interested in. Guys, this is a telling sign that a woman is into you, if she touches you in conversation. Pay attention!
Let me be clear, this isn’t an invite to give shoulder rubs to your co-workers by no means. However, it has been shown that very subtle physical touch makes individuals feel more connected to you. A great example is gently touching someone’s forearm (with your left hand) while shaking hands (with your right hand)—it’s a great way to finish up a conversation. Not everyone will feel comfortable with this strategy, and if it’s not for you, no problem.
8. Be Authentic, Be Real, Be YOU
The essence of who you are is unique to you, and only you. God only made one you, so allow that individual to shine as brightly as possible in the world. People love authenticity. They love a person that is genuine, and real. Of course there is this idea that you should do things to impress other people, but sometimes that’s not necessary. You will also notice that where you are YOURSELF, you will feel more comfortable in interacting with people. The challenge here, is to be YOU at all times, not matter what is going on.
Be confident but respectful at the same time. Some cooperation experts suggest stepping toward a person and bending slightly forward when you’re introduced, in a gesture of a bow. These kinds of gestures can go a long way toward making people think more highly of you.
9. Tell GREAT stories
I can tell you from experience that people LOVE good stories! I have a story that I tell most people I meet about my time in the U.S. Navy. Whenever I begin to talk about the experience, it’s almost like the person I am speaking to envisions themselves in my shoes. I speak with passion, and excitement, and I smile throughout certain periods of the story that truly excited me. You have to be able to understand pacing and how to use language to really convey the thoughtfulness of a story to the receiver. You want to have an impact–something that they can feel–so you can get your point across. If you can master the tradition and art of masterful oration in storytelling, people will LOVE you!
10. Instead of Giving Orders, ask a Question instead
I read recently that if you want to get someone to do something you should avoid giving them an order. Instead of saying, “I need you to prepare that documentation and have it sent it over tonight”, say something like, “Do you think we can have that documentation sent over this evening?” The truth is, you can get the same result from someone by asking a question. The outcome is the same, but it’s the attitude and the feeling you give someone that matters when you take such an approach. This makes a world of difference in getting people to love you!
11. Take Criticism on the Chin, with a Humble Spirit
In the same sense where you would want to be generous with your praise, don’t be so quick to criticize. People have very delicate, and often times misplaced egos–so much that the slightest hint of ridicule can hurt their pride. No one want’s to be hurt, and no one want’s their egos put in check with a negative comment. When someone makes a mistake, don’t call that person out in front of a group. Use caution and tread lightly with your words. Consider offering up a compliment sandwich—a deliciously effective strategy that involves dishing out praise before and after a criticism. For example:
This report looks great, excellent work. It looks like you’ve got a few grammatical errors in one of the other reports you sent over–just be sure to re-check those reports before you send them over. You’ve been doing a great job overall!
Your goal should be to get the other person to recognize what they’ve done wrong without pointing it out to them. You want express what went wrong, and wait for a response. You also want the other person to recognize what they’ve done and self-correct without your condemning them. The less finger-pointing, the better! You can also be diplomatic with people by pointing out your flaws in lieu of discussing theirs.
12. Master the Art of Handing out Compliments and Praise
Dale Carnegie points out in his book, “How to Win Friends and Influence People”, that people have a high craving for authentic appreciation. This is, in contrast, much different from inauthentic flattery, which of course, people can pick up on very easily. People love heartfelt and genuine recognition, and they don’t like to be pandered to. People, and even you want sincere appreciation–the notion to be recognized and appreciated for your contributions. Additionally, you should be generous with your praise to people. Think how good it feels to be praised for something that you’ve done, that perhaps, went unrecognized by others? It’s a great feeling and one that bonds and endears us to the praiser. When someone has done something right, tell them! When someone has done something that you appreciate, let them know, and be sincere about it. They for sure won’t forget you!
13. Recall Pieces of Conversations that You have with People
I mentioned previously the importance of listening to someone to understand. Sometimes listening with the intent to retain information can be a problem for some people, but if you would put focused energy and intent into listening and memorizing important pieces of someones conversation, you’ll reap the rewards greatly! If you want to show someone that you are truly paying attention to what they’ve said in a conversation, and that you have been paying attention, try bringing up something important that was mentioned previously. Did a friend of yours speak passionately about a project they were in love with? Bring it up in conversation the next time you speak with them! Follow-up with them and ask how it’s progressing. You don’t have to memorize a persons life story, but sometimes it’s the small things in someones life that matter most.
14. Practice Verbal Confirmation
There are some researchers and psychologists that refer to this as “active listening”. This skill revolves around the idea that you can demonstrate that you’ve have been listening to someone by repeating bits and pieces of what was just said.
Dean: I went to an amazing beer tasting event over the weekend—I got to try a ton of great local beers from all around the country.
You: You got to try a lot of different types of beer, huh?
Dean: Yes, it was really great. My favorite was the IPA.
You: The IPA was your favorite?
Dean: Yes! I absolutely loved it!
People love to hear their words repeated back to them, and while this may look odd as it is written in this blog post, in conversational dialogue this works quite well. It makes the other person feel as if you are really interested in what they are saying, and it aids in boosting their ego just a tad.
15. Let Them Talk and Lend them Your Ear
This may sound redundant and similar to tip #3, but it’s very true. Just allow people room to talk as much as they like, in fact, I encourage you to encourage them into conversation. People love to talk and be listened to. We all have things we are excited about, things we are disappointed about, things that are bothering us or hurting us where talking to someone is the only medicine that can help us get through. Exciting news, stories of success, and stories of failure. People want to know that you care because they are so accustomed to dealing with people on a daily basis that don’t care, and listening shows you care. Allowing someone to pour into you will endear them to you, and you will find that people will want to talk to you–just because you listen!
Stay in Love, and Peace